26/03/2012

I think that I am very controlling over the information I give out about myself.

I manipulate how I am willing to be perceived. This varies from person to person, relationship to relationship. There are some things that no one knows. And there are some people that know nothing. Everybody thinks that they know more than they do, but some people still know too much; I have given away too much of myself.

This project is difficult because I am giving away elements of myself that would normally be kept very much private. Compiling these elements and information into graphs and statistics however makes this fact of sharing easier, because I am presenting myself in a professional and ‘pseudo-scientific’ manner, which allows me to disassociate from the information that I have collected. If I turn my emotions, and my behaviours and rituals which I find shameful into something clinical and separate from myself, then it’s less difficult to share, not only because it feels less a part of me, but because it will be received in a different way; in theory, less to do with other people’s emotions, and more to do with their scientific minds.

Parallels can then be drawn between this ‘study’, and between my actions in ‘real life’, once again behaving in a way that is controlling and manipulative. As such, the information that I compile and present can only be assumed to be incomplete, because it is made through a process of selection, and according to criteria designed by myself with the full knowledge in mind that this information will be seen by others.

However, this set of criteria has not been selected consciously in order to impress or control; my principal motivation in this study is to understand better my actions, and recognise patterns and areas in need of improvement –in order to run at ‘maximum efficiency’.

This taxonomy falls in place to capture my inefficiencies and failings, and replace them with behaviours that I can confirm to be advantageous. This has been approached by tracking my mood and productivity (the two elements of my life that I believe to be most important for ‘maximum efficiency’), and then within that, repetitive behaviours. It is then possible to examine the effects of these behaviours by comparing them to the mathematical averages for both mood and productivity, and discern whether they are beneficial or otherwise. 

Another element to, and another purpose for this study is to track my withdrawal, and the behavioural and physical effects of suddenly ceasing to take prescribed medication. I began this project on my first day without said medication as a way to ‘keep track’ of my behaviours, and any ill effects of ‘going cold turkey’. This seemed important for my health, and as another way of taking command of my life and actions; taking back this element of control which until then had been with medical professionals. In a way, this has been about reclaiming power and banishing what I perceive to be weakness, so this need to improve my ability to work and live comfortably has, in part, been about fighting back and seizing control.

As well as this, I am also eager to know and have confirmed for myself that by doing the wrong thing, I did the right thing. This confirmation comes in watching the rhythms of my behaviour (particularly mood), after the initial withdrawal, levelling, or at least becoming more consistent, and the patterns of my mood and productivity beginning to associate and flow in harmony, which is both pleasing and reassuring.